Stay-in-Bed Lady

Curse you, swine flu, for ruining my Indian buffet dinner plans! Isn’t the sneeze guard enough? Would latex gloves to spoon food help? Wah!

I won’t let Linda Wagner convince me that I need a Sleep Number bed, even despite how increasingly calm she has become with better sleep.

My city finally recycles mixed paper which makes me happy because instead of having piles of trash in my room I can claim I’m being green.

Splenda managed to “ruin” my night. Just realized my new pack of Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches are sugar free plus an aftertaste of death.

If I had the ability I’d invent a body pillow that could be filled with soup or smoothies for cold or hot days and luxuriously sip from it.

My body’s giving itself shock therapy by sending random nerve paints throughout. It’s probably a cry for help from nearly atrophied muscles.

Got invited to get free Ben & Jerry’s today which is nice because it’s always more pleasant to receive free goods with someone than alone.

You know what that means. It’s April 20th. Grow up.

Instead of laser hair removal I’m thinking I’ll invent fire hair removal. Results are permanent and the only thing to grow back is bacteria.