Stay-in-Bed Lady

My Wii Fit trainer claims I should be enjoying yoga now that I’ve been at it awhile. Condescending dick.

The temptation to knock a stranger’s food out of his hands is always alarmingly high.

Accomplishing eating while crying for real is not something I’m proud of.

I fear this little life sabbatical is turning me into a crotchety old man.

Sometimes a gorilla slap is the best way to quiet someone up, mostly out of shock.

It’s a know fact that idle, rainy days make you fat.

Papercut in eye crisis narrowly averted by removing medical bill from bed.

Penelope Cruz is far more tolerable when she isn’t speaking English.

How many times have you popped a pair of earplugs into your mouth thinking, “It’s about time the airlines gave us candy!”?

The Apple Store is pretty much the only acceptable place to openly fondle something in public.